He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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