the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i came on her dog
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
