was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize