How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
