is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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