I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Why can't burritos get me drunk
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
