Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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