Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
