You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
there is glitter all over my balls
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
