Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
