Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
