my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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