your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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