My underwear smells like fireworks.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Randomize
