Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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