pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize