Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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