im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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