I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize
