She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
