Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
