that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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