my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
