just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
