I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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