It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he shaved USA in his pubs
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize