I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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