i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
