If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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