Please, let me fuck your mom
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize