Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
