Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
