I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
