They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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