This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize