Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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