im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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