Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
