the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
