you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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