I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
