last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
