I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
