Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
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