Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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