i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
