i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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