My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
We left the knife in your bed.
Vodka?
Forever.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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