I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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