he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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