Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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