I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
