Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I love having hate sex.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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