I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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