I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
