i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
