you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize