I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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