At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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