i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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