and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
