So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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