I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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