She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
